creative journalling

the radiant vista's recommendations for creative journalling, that is journalling that helps us to consciously create, being creative with intention i'd say, to get more of myself into the work, what kind of photography want to do, who want to be as a photographer (what?)
get a journal you'd actually use, something small
personalize it
1) purpose or mission statement for photography, and smaller purpose for individual shoots.
2) gratitude list
3) compassion for others an self
4) fears that are stumbling blocks to creativity
5) visualize your art
Two kinds of communications: local, inner-dialogue while journalling - sound, gesture, touch.
non local communications - spiritual prayer, meditation our thoughts pre words are part of a grand consciousness.
accept what's already happened. resisting - no this isn't happening!
but it's the meaning we assign to the things that happen that makes an experience joyful or painful.
personalize with an inspiring photo or what every - toward meaning that brings happiness and joy.
why do i photograph? because it makes me feel wonderful, connected to nature, the universe and i want to connect with others. mission: to connect with others to show them this connection to nature and the whole universe. to reveal the spiritual truths i see and seek. ok too lofty! a purpose that connects me with the now is the first part.
the purpose of work is not to be a better photographer, to evidenced by constantly better photos. that puts me in a state of need. i want. i need. i lack. which is self centered. i don't have enough. i need more. attached to things i can't control like the time of day, the light. the clouds. we don't control, we just experience these things that seem to be wrecking the ability to shoot constantly better photos. my happiness is thus attached to things outside of my power. the want is reducing the persent quality of life. unhappy in the now cuz of the meaning we attach to it. and we increase the returned meassage of need and lack. keep a sign post, a mission statement: through photography i want to become a better observer of beauty. (for example) i think that's kinda like mine, but i like mine better.

more latter

cancer, fear, art

so much of my art is about living and the conflict and the struggle of life.

it seems to be about how important life is to me: how i want to live.

but it doesn't address my fear.

I am terrified that i'll become sick again, that the leukemia will come back, that my late effect diseases will incapacitate me, that i will die. i really don't want to die. i don't even have that negative a view of death, but i really like being alive.

but the fear of change (death is change) can limit my full embrace of life. just as fear of judgment limited my ability to express myself artistically, fear of death is limiting my full expression of life.

I want to capture this in my art - to put it out there for others to see, for me to confront.

but i don't know how.