self identification and art

I'm working on a self portrait. It's about self identification.
When i lost most of my memories i wondered what makes me "me." Who am I if not the sum total of my memories? Who am i if I physically change? What is it that makes me feel consistant over time, even when every part of me has been thrown out and i've begun anew after almost dieing from complications from chemo???

My mom poised the question: Is this work just for myself?
I thought about that as have several meanings.
one is that i'm doing it because i get something out of it. working through something about personal identity. i think all art is that.
Art has to come from inside. who we are, and it has to serve a purpose in our exploration of meaning in our lives. it's what artists do.
otherwise it's design.
why i hate most landscapes!

another thought was that it's personal. about me, and therefore it might not be of interest to others. But somehow it is (or could be). and i can't say why. now that's interesting to me. that i'm unclear why the personal of another person is attractive to the art viewer.

here's an example of a successful mixed media artisit in a real gallery in San francisco who incorporates old photos of her family in her work
http://www.bquayartgallery.com/archive/rayner2006.html (click on the images for bigger versions).

I particularly like the cyanotypes (the blue one) and the looking glass.
and

http://www.bquayartgallery.com/archive/rayner.html
some of her older work.
the thing that looks like a candelabra is filled with wax encased photos of her family.

here's a different artist at the same gallery.
http://www.bquayartgallery.com/archive/austin.html
I see the note that the piece is sold and i really want to know for how much!!

some people incorporate images of total strangers. you can find them in antique shops and even buy them online. but my impression of this work is that it feel more like craft than art because it's somehow less compelling.

I've attach a couple for comparison.
what do you think?

moderation

well i suppose it had to happen. even tho i've set up word verification, i received a spamming "inappropriate" comment to an old post.

i could not figure any way of deleting it without increasing the moderated status.
so now comments don't show.

bummer.

not that i get many comments anyway!

i've been thinking about the darkside of my art. some say that the purpose of art is to increase joy peace and happiness of others. sounds great. i increase my own joy through the processes of my art, increasing the joy peace and happiness of others seems like a good goal in general. but...

See there's this thing that more than communicating the beauty i see, more than communicating the eternal and infinite behind our material world. It's this need i have to bring forward the shadow and put it in view. i wouldn't say full view cuz i don't think my work has done that since hi sch.

it's more supple. anyway i thought for a while that it's wrong to have this urge to confront the audience. it's wrong to spread bad, dark interpretations of our world. but then i thought about a zen concept that goes something like this: each of us, while part of this material world, quite naturally has flaws, does wrong, suffers and creates suffering. we create more pain for ourselves and others by denying the flawed state, by separating it out, splitting it from ourselves and demonizing it.

Instead it we do not back away from the things that make us uncomfortable, embrace the shadow within, then we will be fully integrated people. When something or someone makes us uncomfortable, we should examine it more to see the connection to our full selves.

Of course there's this huge contradiction that i have not yet learned to deal with is that we have so much darkness that it really must be on a leash. that we really feel better and function more completely when we move toward the more positive interpretation of each moment. It's a new challenge not a failure, that sort of thing. So i need to work this out in order to fell fully comfortable revealing the darkside in my work.

In hi school i had no reservation because i was angry and wanted to hurt others, especially those that i thought had not suffered. I did not care that acting out of anger multiplied the anger. and did not make it available for examination or assimilation into the complete self.

the link above is to a pod cast at radiantvista in which the discussion of journaling heads toward this spiritual issue. He discusses a book called The End of Suffering. just the name gets my head spinning. you know, there is no suffering in the spiritual dimension. i know, i've been there. it feels wonderful. but it lacks something that we have in the material world. the struggle is great! there is no struggle without suffering. It's the feeling of discontent that motivates us to move. at all. if everything is perfect we don't need to do anything. that total contentment creates a sense of timelessness and spacelessness in the spiritual world. very yummy indeed. but the material world requires breathing, therefore movement. respiration creates change, eating, digesting create change and the need to breath, the need to eat create neediness. so life involves movement, need, change. And we are really lucky to be a part of it.

The podcast discusses how we can add structure to our photography by creating a purpose statement. Which i agree with but he says that a purpose can be to bring peace joy and happiness ... this will bring us to work in the moment. There are so many things about that that i don't know where to begin. Yes it's good to focus on the good you can do as an artist. but i think it overcomplicates the moment of creating if we see the whole world as our audience. I think it's fine for reflection but at the moment of creating i like to focus on the now by focusing on my own experience and my sense of connection with it without going too far down the heuristic road of contemplating my impact on the infinite universe through the art that is attempting to capture it.

wow, think of the problem of the physicist who's very attempt to measure the movement of a particle changes it! SO of course at the moment f creation i'm changing it. but should this be on my mind? There are times when is see an imagined audience reacting to my work and it's really stifling - even when it's a positive reaction because i am immediately aware that that was not exactly what i meant to communicate and that all forms of communication are flawed, even art. So it takes away from the pure form of communication that i can have when shooting - between my spirit and the spirit of the thing before my camera and the spirit that is created with the new piece of art. like giving birth. if we thought of all the possible impacts our children might have before we birthed them - we might not do it. well i'm babbling again!
more coffee!

creative journalling

the radiant vista's recommendations for creative journalling, that is journalling that helps us to consciously create, being creative with intention i'd say, to get more of myself into the work, what kind of photography want to do, who want to be as a photographer (what?)
get a journal you'd actually use, something small
personalize it
1) purpose or mission statement for photography, and smaller purpose for individual shoots.
2) gratitude list
3) compassion for others an self
4) fears that are stumbling blocks to creativity
5) visualize your art
Two kinds of communications: local, inner-dialogue while journalling - sound, gesture, touch.
non local communications - spiritual prayer, meditation our thoughts pre words are part of a grand consciousness.
accept what's already happened. resisting - no this isn't happening!
but it's the meaning we assign to the things that happen that makes an experience joyful or painful.
personalize with an inspiring photo or what every - toward meaning that brings happiness and joy.
why do i photograph? because it makes me feel wonderful, connected to nature, the universe and i want to connect with others. mission: to connect with others to show them this connection to nature and the whole universe. to reveal the spiritual truths i see and seek. ok too lofty! a purpose that connects me with the now is the first part.
the purpose of work is not to be a better photographer, to evidenced by constantly better photos. that puts me in a state of need. i want. i need. i lack. which is self centered. i don't have enough. i need more. attached to things i can't control like the time of day, the light. the clouds. we don't control, we just experience these things that seem to be wrecking the ability to shoot constantly better photos. my happiness is thus attached to things outside of my power. the want is reducing the persent quality of life. unhappy in the now cuz of the meaning we attach to it. and we increase the returned meassage of need and lack. keep a sign post, a mission statement: through photography i want to become a better observer of beauty. (for example) i think that's kinda like mine, but i like mine better.

more latter

cancer, fear, art

so much of my art is about living and the conflict and the struggle of life.

it seems to be about how important life is to me: how i want to live.

but it doesn't address my fear.

I am terrified that i'll become sick again, that the leukemia will come back, that my late effect diseases will incapacitate me, that i will die. i really don't want to die. i don't even have that negative a view of death, but i really like being alive.

but the fear of change (death is change) can limit my full embrace of life. just as fear of judgment limited my ability to express myself artistically, fear of death is limiting my full expression of life.

I want to capture this in my art - to put it out there for others to see, for me to confront.

but i don't know how.

the artist's life continues

the trouble with being interrupted yesterday is that is seems like I was complaining. I'm not.

what i want to say is more complicated than to moan and groan that i have to much to do. it's more about the perception of time, the perception of control and the effect on creativity of not being reflective about what's running through my brain.
Artists are often trying to fit their work in between their day job or the other demands in their life. In my case i could spend all my time pursuing the other demands in my life. I love my people and i love to help them and i usually get immediate gratification whether it's cleaning the kitchen, organizing the bills, taking my mom to the doctor, attending my bother's annual review with his caregivers, solving my son's computer problem (which i actually didn't solve yesterday), or making a cup of tea for my sick teenager.
So I start down the road of doing my domestic tasks, taking care of my family and soon all the other things that aren't getting done start tapping me on the shoulder. The pile of dishes in the sink, the laundry to fold the floor that needs sweeping and the garden that hasn't been weeded all winter (here in the bay area it is the during the winter that weeds really get a foothold). At that point i often fail to be reflective and i am pulled like a magnet to the daily distractions from my art.
But it is not true that I am made of iron filings and the dishes or magnetized. In fact i can decide. As an intelligent person i can even cast these from my mind and go to work. It does not matter weather other people value my art, nor does it matter that i may question the value of my art. I can save that for the nights i can't sleep. My mind (and every one's mind who's able to read this) is strong enough to ignore that reality and focus on another reality.
It may be true that there are dishes in the sink, but it's equally true that there is a light in the garden that is inspiring if i stop to look. it's equally true that it's been raining like crazy so my the creek favorite canyon is bubbling and gurgling and in need of a publicity shot. So to be creative i could turn my mind to those things and go out on a shoot. It's equally true that my computer is full of images that are begging to be processed and released from their digital prison, printed transfer shown to to others and even sold. So to develop my creativity i could go switch on the computer and stick my nose in the monitor and be lost for hours because i don't have to think about anything i don't want to think about.
I know that i can choose what to think about. I've known that for years. it's one of the gifts of my traumatized childhood. i learned that if i didn't think about it i did not have to pay any attention to the beating i was receiving from my psychotic sister, i did not have to pay attention to the welts on my legs when i sat down to do long division in school,.i did not have to think about what mood my mom would be in when i got home or whether her kid-beating, animal-torturing, verbally-abusive boyfriend would be there.
In fact i didn't have to think about it when he set me to so meaningless task of scrubbing something that was already clean so that he could repeatedly tell me that i was an idiot didn't is see that it was not clean enough? Instead i could live the life of my daydreams, live somewhere else where no one could reach me, where no one else had any say over what happened. So i know how powerful our brains are.
so the open question is why do i allow myself to think about things as magnets or detours? why do i allow both realities to press upon me at the same time so that i am frozen mentally and unable to do any of it?
am i recreating suffering? do i want to suffer as an excuse for not moving forward in anything? suspended neither a success or failure.
i'm convinced that a current state of suffering in inconsistent with creativity, or at least the productive sort. obviously the struggles of my youth helped me develop my imagination. Roman Polanski comes to mind. I recently watched his Oliver and the commentary after included thoughts about how his horrific childhood gave him insight into the traumatic experience of Oliver and therefor he could better tell us that story. besides the fact that there is no therefor, that it's not a conclusion that because he suffered he can tell us about suffering, besides that it really hit me that suffering in the past is something we can draw on but it's really not useful at the moment of expressing ourselves because it tends to narrow your world, cut off possibilities and so creativity and communication are reduced.

an artist's life

I was reading an artist's rant this morning and it struck a cord. although i did not agree with everything, maybe not any of it. but it really struck a cord.
he said that an artists' life is not one of quiet desperation but noisy desperation. well i'm quietly desperate. maybe not - cuz someone might actually read this blog and then i'm making noise - sorta. but i definitely relate to desperate.
the rant focused on the artist's sense that he had no time to do all the things that he should be doing, let alone what he wants to be doing. the stress of having to manage his personal life and manage his business, finding time for marketing and so on, and still have time to create was a major motivating factor in writing the rant.
time.
what does it mean when i don't have time for something. sometimes it means that other things get my attention. people can always get my attention and pull me away from the business or creative aspects. emergencies like the hot water heater falling apart and the plumber messing up so that the shower no longer works which makes me feel pulled uncontrollably toward trying to move now and not in the summer.
it is truly a feeling of desperation that moves me when the plumber points out that there is water standing under the house. that has got to be a major health hazard and contributing to how cold i am. during the course of trying to write that sentence i had to get up three times to shut doors flying open from the wind that just kicked up. the plumber also told me that the pipes are so caked with crap i ought not drink the water, that the wiring was substandard under the house and that the windows are ready to fall out. things i really knew anyway.
so i feel desperate. and that does not contribute to a feeling of creativity. i just don't see how suffering permits art while you are suffering.
the other time sapper is not to much movement but too little. instead of feeling pulled toward the person or thing requiring action now, i feel frozen. i think it's a chill of suppressed anger. i hold it in til every part of me is emotionally and physically frozen stiff. but i do not believe i am unique. i think many people struggle with this. (i think there may be ways in which i am unique, but this isn't one of them.) Other people may sit in front of the TV when they feel like this or drown themselves in booze or drugs, anything to numb the anger.
So it seems that if i could discover how to create while some magnet is pulling me to it's northern pole or i'm stuck in an iceberg then i could express something that is driving alot of people crazy in this world where we don't get flight or flight, we get detours and road blocks.
perfect example no time to finish this thought. one sick child; another with a crashed computer. i got interrupted 2Xs trying to write that!!!

the rings

the illusion of flying frees the spirit of the urban youth in this dreary setting where the air is filled with the pollution and noise of the passing cars. the filmmaker brings us into the experience of struggle which intensify the experience for the athlete. The waxing and waning of the intensity of the effort is perfectly matched with the intensity of the accompanying piano. worth every minute.



OK enough of that! this is very moving to me because my son made it and his best friend is the star! It is set in Riverside Park in New York City right next to the hi-way. The first time i saw this playground it did not have the rings, but only basket ball courts. I was driving by on the hi-way on a hot muggy august day stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I saw the young men playing ball in this horrible whether is what seemed like such a horrible spot and was taken by how much fun they were having. Years later i lived near there and went to Riverside park almost every day. While living in the city it seemed a beautiful refuge. the trees provided shade and oxygen and a sense of connection with the world. Only at the end of my stay in this city did i again see it as the depressing place that it is. But it provides a space for dreams to form. this is how i see this video.
Unlike the guys playing basketball way back in the 70s, both the filmmaker and the actor have seem the world and know on some level that this is not nature or flying! they pursue the flight nonetheless! There minds fill with visions of a better world and they capture that in this video. The grace of the athletes movements and the proximity of the highly personal gaze of the camera bring us into this experience as one that while surrounded by darker forces is in fact filled with the pleasure of life.

deconstruction

deconstruction, central to post modern philosophy. totally misunderstood by everyone i know these days, since i'm not hanging out with aspiring law professors anymore.
basically it's thought to be destructive to deconstruct. but think about how we use it in other contexts. like when i first started learning to do simple scripts on the computer. my java script class showed us how to deconstruct a script to see how it was done so we could do something similar. likewise photoshop actions, flash buttons, dreamweaver extensions, so on. So to deconstruct means to analyze it carefully, to find the central features and discover the assumptions. deconstruction shows the details, from which we learn about the system. but we learn this system as outsiders.
We are not fully part of the club of programers, and maybe, like me, really don't want to become members of the club (computer programers in this case).
So in deconstructing text we do the same thing. we examine the details as outsiders. we can see the system from the vantage point of an outside and therefore see the logical links and the assumptions the system is built upon. this can reveal the flaws in the logic of the system, the influence of the prejudices and assumptions, the world view of the club members. This is why it became popular for folks who are not just outsiders to a text, but outsiders to a bigger insiders club, like say the ruling class, white males or judges on a case.
So feminists and race theorists rushed in to utilize deconstruction to show the racism, sexism etc in a law, court decision, social morays as so forth. this is when i discovered it as a way to pick things apart. but philosophers could use it to learn something about the nature of things, and that is a completed thought in philosophy. you know, just describing what is and doing it so that it fits in with everything else is a complete project. but feminists seeking social change have to say more, they have to say why that 's bad and what would be better.
I had a research project that i never completed n which i had deconstructed the body of court decisions about parenting, what fathering is, what parental relationships will be recognized when that which means parent has been split between people, such as surrogate parenting. I had this idea that ever kid should have a right to a relationship with each and every person who had a portion of a parenting role. thus a surrogate mom could not be excluded from a kids life, moreso, she couldn't duck out if she wanted to.
the problem i was having in moving forward with the article was that i could not find the bridge between the deconstruction of all those cases which show societies attitudes about parenting, and the basis that would support the legitimacy of my idea about parenting. Anyone could turn around and deconstruct my interpretation. where was the basis for construction my idea into a societal norm, court decision, law, even a seriously discussed idea?
So i was driving through he rain the other day, thinking about deconstruction a dreamweaver extension and building something for my own uses (which is much more of a reach for me that deconstructing a photoshop action). That's when it hit me that for philosophers the deconstruction was enough but for the lawyer the job was much more akin to the tinkering computer buff. When you take apart a Javascript you chose one that's does something similar to what you want, you run it, you pick through it and find the parts that can be reused and the parts that need to be changed for this situation. I once made a java script that counted down to passover. i was so proud of it. i figured out how to get the time and right the result to the page and i figured out how to make it count in hebrew dates. the days changed at sunset, not at midnight and so on.
this is what i'd need to to to present an new interpretation of an unexamined social structure like the definition of parents and the role of government in maintaining that. I take out the parts that are specific to the world view of two parents only, state as parens peatre, legal fiction in adoptions and so on, and replace each non universal part with new particulars; in fact there can be more than two parents, children have rights and the state can act to preserve relationships rather than sever them. the replaced parts are particular to our new and different times and don't have to be universal.
So the deconstruction helps to discover the parts that can be used again and the parts that are not universal and to replace these parts the law can be responsive to the particulars of a different, new group of people, the surrogate mom, the child, the dad in name only (no biological or legal tie but the relationship has been built). It's showing that the old way was to specific, but i would not have to withstand analysis that the new idea was universal and without it's own bias.
good thinking 16 years later! I'm sure someone's thought this and things have moved on cuz thought about sloppily it sounds like the original Brown decision.
did did say this was my darkside right?

I feel the need to have a spot for writing

so it doesn't necessarily have to be dark, but i have 2 sides to me, the optimistic gal who loves nature and sees the good in people and loves to get things done, and the darker side of me, the one who broods, ponders the meaning of life and digs philosophical spiritual questions like the origin of evil. Oh I try to integrate these aspects, and maybe this journal will help, but the optimistic side keeps going by putting alot of questions about life and human nature on the back burner. i have to decide to go with the flow of my brooding thoughts. And it usually means i will get nothing done, because i'm thinking you know! Now of course i value my thoughts and i am who i am, not what i do. but still the pressure is on to be functional. especially since i am so low functioning to begin with.
So this is a place for me to come and hash it out with myself. Appropriate gift to me for my birthday.